This Friday the 13th was an emotional mix. Because, I'm ovulating and ovulating makes me horny and emotional. Horny and emotional is bad for any woman especially a Scorpio. Only a Scorpio would know what that means so if you ain't one don't try. That is insider information. I hate feeling this way on a Friday because it usually means that I have some life altering decision that I have to make. The time is usually reflective but, I also don't need to make decisions when I'm ovulating… No woman does. It only takes a couple of days and while no woman wants to admit that there are times where her decision making may not be the best… ovulation is one of those times. Can a woman make good decisions while she is ovulating… of course. Men also have a biological timer within that effects their interpersonal interactions. But, women who are usually dubbed the weaker or inferior don't want to admit to that weakness. This has been a grueling and grimy week.
It all started last Friday when my ex-husband's daughter called. She and her mother were looking for my ex who throughout the course of the marriage and after the divorce told all of his family members, ex-wives girlfriends, and then current wife and girlfriends that if they want to find him CALL TOSHA. Which I'm not gone lie that's my boy and I usually know where his ass is at. Over the last 16 years there has only been 6 mos. When I didn't know where he was. When there are deaths in his family or in his close circle they call me… Where's Tony. Tony has called me from every woman's home that he has ever been with. Here I am Tosh… I was chatting with my mother as we do every morning, as if something was left un-discussed the night before. Which sometimes a good night's sleep gives you a different angle on a situation or predicament. We have solved many life and world crisis over the telephone… Except my personal life… We start out fixing my shit and end up handling the immigration crisis. We had no idea that a former crisis had resolved itself.
His daughter said, "Can I speak to Tosha?" I said, "It's me!" She says this is Sheila have you talked to my Daddy? I'm like no baby, I asked her did she get the address I sent her on Myspace… She didn't for some reason, I sent it but u know cyberspace… So I was digging around in my files for the address. Lord knows I hadn't used it to even send a Christmas card this year. I felt kinda bad as I started to dig for it. I stood up ok I found it. Then she asked, have you heard about Jojo… I'm thinking she had another baby… She was always in competition to have more kids by my ex than I had. She died last week; two weeks ago she was diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to live. Three weeks later she was dead. My jaw dropped. I was kinda in a twilight episode. I gave her the address and said goodbye but not before her mother in the background talked about how she thinks she and Tony are still married and she has to see an attorney before she gets married. (This woman is a real whack job, but I was still in shock so I just disconnected.)
Jojo Spent 18 of her 38 years on the planet trying to make a man make good on his promises. I mean his sex was good. But, I shared something more than that with him. Most men go home play house with their wives and girlfriends and then run the streets. Tone and I ran the streets together. So his other women could not understand how he would call me and let me talk on the phone to them. I never had a reason to begrudge him a woman wife or girlfriend. Jojo wanted a husband. You could tell because every ounce of her being was integrated in the process. Of course as every woman does she had defects that abusive men like to point out. She was large, she had a skin condition, because she was so mentally beat up she didn't really smile a lot. Her one goal in life was to love Tony and be his wife. She chased him through his first marriage and through mine. In fact, she tried to force Tony to marry her before he divorced me. Which when it came to me and Tony marriage was just a formality, he could have married 10 women, they would have all had to be nice to me, and they would all have to meet me. Now for those that dare think that I am stupid enough to believe that my pussy is the snapper and that's why I make such an outlandish statement you are wrong. When your man is your homeboy… You have homeboy status… Bros. over hoes…
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But, this Friday was not about the memories of me and Tony. It was quiet reflection about a woman who did everything in her power to gain the love of a man that did not love her. She paid his bills, bought his clothes, even when he didn't want that. Everything that women inwardly say they won't do for love she did outwardly. She said ugly things. Called people ugly names because she couldn't make him love her. Her heart was twisted and torn 18 years she loved unrequited. She had his baby. Paid for his babies he had other places. (not mine, she claimed I was a witch) She towed the line for this man. It's so funny because these things can go either way. You can give up too quickly on a man and miss the love of your life. You can give it your all and he shits in your face. Or invite's people to shit in your face. Or has people shit in your face that he loves more than you… Am I now that woman?
How do you know when you are that woman? When your man faithfully calls you and then on Valentine's Day disappears? Do you worry that he is ok? Or do you chalk it up that he's disappeared once again without regard for your feelings or the love you shower or pour on him? How do you know when you love a man that just can't or won't love you? People write books and give speeches about if he doesn't do this that or the other, then he's just not that into you. But, sometimes a man, especially a black man can have so many other pressing issues that he really lets things get away from him. What if he does all the wonderful things that a man usually does but, the things that mean the most to you he overlooks? Is there a balance? I remember one year that my man knew I was having a surgical procedure he used all of his minutes making sure that I was ok the three days before Valentine's Day. So on Valentine's Day he couldn't call. Of course that was a day important to me but he did so much for me before I felt so loved before the holiday… And as soon as he bought more minutes he called me the very next day before dawn. So we have to recognize that there is give and take.
How does a woman know when she has given too much? Of course the love doctor's will say that you can never give too much when you are in love. However, in light of the week's events I am inclined to re-evaluate. How can a woman tell whether or not the man she loves really loves her back. I have a dilemma in my own life perhaps since our readers are standing at about 100 readers subscribed we can develop a working definition of what is giving too much, when are you beating a dead horse or is it really love with just a few bumps.
This Saturday did you spend Valentine's Day with the woman you love… Or did you spend it with the woman who is loving you and you feel obligated to be there?
