What’s Love Got to Do with It?
It is easy to get stuck in a rut when you are making the
transition from a violent or abusive relationship. The mind tends to wander back to the point of
when and where the abuse started and how in the world they missed the sign. I
remember these times as if it were yesterday.
My two new best friends and I were sitting in a common area of a
domestic violence shelter in Marietta, Georgia.
The common areas in most domestic violence shelter’s I’ve seen have a
television equipped with VCR or DVD.
This place was no exception. The
common area is sometimes used to conduct group meetings to assist women in
making the transition to safe living, and other activities like assisting with
children after school homework and sometimes a little bit of entertainment occurs
there.
After getting our children cleaned up and in bed, my
girlfriends and I sat back to watch the Tina Turner biopic “What’s Love Got to
Do with It?” As the movie unfolded we
took turns telling our war stories and divulged what action in our lives
brought us to know that we had to leave our familiar surroundings to bunk up
with strangers with new rules and a seemingly tighter grip of control than our
spouses. Then we took a stab at
analyzing the movie to see if what we were learning in our daily group sessions
was preparing us to navigate our relationships more effectively. In the movie it was easy to see that the
abuse started when Turner’s husband Ike initially met her. Yes the first red flag was sent up with Ike’s
first actions. Not with the demeaning
words or controlling behavior usually associated with battering. There is a scene in the movie when starry
eyed Turner met Ike Turner after a set during a talent show. Initially Ike’s friend “Spider” wanted to
meet Turner. Ike casually diverted his
friend to another task while he cozied up to Turner. Ike used cool manipulation to move his friend
out of the way and Tina was so flattered and star struck she missed a dangerous
red flag! When a person takes away your choices this is a huge red flag! Identify Red Flags Early...
The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence “as
a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner
to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.” It is further explained that the “violence
can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or
threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors
that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce,
threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.” ("USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women:
Crimes of Focus: Domestic Violence," n.d.) Ike clearly displayed that he
was willing to coerce and manipulate his closest friends in an effort to
control the object of his desire!
Perhaps if others are armed with this tiny bit of information it can make
a difference in their ability to identify potential abusers from the beginning
and they can avoid having to cut ties with men and women they have grown to
love.
Once partners have started to “fall in love” and develop
emotional and sexual bonds it is difficult to clearly assess the
situation. Adding children and other
responsibilities further blurs the lines of boundaries that need to be set
between partners to develop whole, healthy relationships. If you are in a
violent or abusive relationship the main thing to do is stay safe. I’m sure right now it feels like you may
never love or trust again but the heart is resilient and after the dust settles
we all want companionship. When you are
ready it’s good to develop some guidelines that will assist you to stop the
cycle of violence in your life. My
favorite three are education, self-exploration and counseling/case management.
Education – It is important to educate yourself on your
situation. After you are in a safe place
the work is just beginning. Learn about
domestic violence, manipulation and other family dysfunctions. You’ll want to make sure you don’t swap the
devil for the witch! Many times we enter relationships that feel comfortable
and being educated in the definition and forms of domestic abuse is key to
setting boundaries to avoid repeating the cycle.
Self-Exploration – This may be the hardest task on the
list. In order to understand what you
will and won’t accept in relationships is another key to stopping the cycle of
violence in your life. Learn to set
boundaries, learn what your triggers are.
Learn to say no. It includes
evaluating and modifying your habits.
For example, Diet/Exercise – Eating properly and exercise are key to
helping you make good clear decisions.
When your body feels good and not run down it’s easier to stick to
boundaries that you’ve set. Feeling and
looking attractive also boosts your self-esteem! High self-esteem internalizes your worth and
value to the planet you are less likely to accept breaches of trust and
boundary when you are on your “A” game.
Counseling/Case management – Don’t be afraid to seek and ask
for help in choosing and maintaining your career path, housing arrangements as
well as assistance with self-exploration.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for help during a time like this. Remember isolating yourself from help is one
of the ways abusers can persuade you to let your guard down and make choices
that you ordinarily would not.
There are others and part of the wonder in making a transition
in life is the opportunity to decide what works for you.
References
Turner, T., Loder, K., & Lanier, K. (n.d.). What's love got to
do with it? IMDb. Retrieved June 18, 2013, from
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108551/fullcredits
USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Domestic
Violence. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of
Focus: Domestic Violence. Retrieved June 18, 2013, from
http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm
